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Being non-cryptic - I got kicked to the curb - MegaZone's Safety Valve
The Ramblings of a Damaged Mind
zonereyrie
zonereyrie
Being non-cryptic - I got kicked to the curb
Ok, my comment from last night was a bit cryptic and started a bit of "What's up?" going around. Also, some cascade effects have happened that I want to try to stop. So, being non-cryptic:

Last night gizmoek told me that she thinks she has feelings for a friend of mine, another member of our social circle, and she's confused. She doesn't know what she wants yet, but it seems pretty certain that it isn't me as her SO. I saw this coming - she and he hit it off, they have a lot in common, they both chat on IRC a lot (and I can't while working, etc), and besides - he's in a lot better shape than I am and is better looking. So hey, I'm not stupid.

She and I talked about it last night, and yes, I'm not a happy camper. But I'm a realist and I at least attempt to be mature about things. I do love her, and I want her to be happy. I'm not going to act like her last SO. I can't make her want to stay with me, and it'd be insulting to try. If she can be happy with him, then she should be with him. (She's not poly, which is why that isn't an option.) I accept that logically, and in time I'll cope emotionally. At the moment I feel like shit, and I'm tempted to drink until I don't care - which is why I'm not getting near booze. I'm not a good drunk when I'm like this - I wonder about things like "What does the inside of my chest caviry look like?" Drinking alone tonight seems like a bad plan.

Ok, that's a tangent - my brain is also a little scattered since I didn't really sleep much, or well, last night either. I've been totally stressed out with a low-grade headache since last night.

ANYWAY, the point is - it looks like we're no longer a couple. I'm hoping that we can remain friends.

I do appreciate the support and (virtual) hugs I've been receiving from my friends today. I need them, and I really appreciate it.

I would request one thing - please don't take it out on gizmoek. I care about her and seeing her hurt hurts me. Especially since, in this case, I feel like the cause. It means a lot to me that my friends care about me, and that someone gives a damn when I hurt - but please, don't turn that into blame or anger directed at her. She's been very open and honest with me and I don't want to blame anyone. These things happen, and we have to deal with them. But the last thing I want to see on top of this is a division between my friends. I hope that in the end we can all still be friends and she'll still be welcome in our little cabal.

I'm giving her some space to sort things out, that's all I can really do.

I am: drained drained
Current Media: my own dark thoughts

7 STDOUT || STDIN
Comments
jehanna From: jehanna Date: March 13th, 2003 04:21 pm (UTC) (Direct Link)
I bow to your maturity, dude. You're doing better at this than I bet I would in your place.

I'm here if you need me, of course.

I would request one thing - please don't take it out on gizmoek.

I don't think most of us are angry with her, at least from the small random sampling I'm aware of.

If you're okay, that's the important thing. I don't believe she'd act out of malice, so anger at her isn't called for as long as you and she are working stuff out to both of your satisfaction, given the circumstances.

A lot of us have been concerned, though, for both of you, for various reasons. But people have to do what they have to do.

As long as they try to do it the best way they can and cause the least unnecessary pain, it's not my business.

I think anyone still left argling will feel the same way once the dust settles and they see you're fine.

broken_gizmo From: broken_gizmo Date: March 13th, 2003 04:29 pm (UTC) (Direct Link)
Exactly what she said, and she said it a lot better than I would have.

And I've tried to tell all parties involved this, and undoubtedly, flubbed that, as well.

As always, you know where to find me. I hope that you and I can find time to talk when it isn't the result of the world blowing up around us.
zonereyrie From: zonereyrie Date: March 13th, 2003 04:40 pm (UTC) (Direct Link)
Thanks. I've had the usual range of emotions - how could she do this to me, I'm worthless, I'm pissed, I'm gonna cry... Fortunately today I was able to spend most of my time hiding in the machine room configuring Linux and Nessus and doing various corporate security related things, and so not having to deal with the usual office banter and customer shit. I wasn't in the best mood for that.

But I'm fighting to cope with it maturely. Her last SO was, well, a loser and he made her life hell for a while after they broke up. He (and his MOM for christ's sake!) blame her for all kinds of stuff - like he's a loser because she ruined him or something.

Yeah, it fucking hurts - this is the first real relationship I've had in years, especially since Stalker Bitch, and just being with her made me happy. Which is why I really hope to come out of this with at least a friendship intact - I do like her.

Lashing out at her due to short term pain would only lead to long term regret. And so I suck it up and try to sublimate it as best I can - while avoiding my old habits of self-destruction, hopefully.
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z_gryphon From: z_gryphon Date: March 13th, 2003 07:23 pm (UTC) (Direct Link)
I'd give you some beagle, but being allergic, you'd probably find it just makes things worse.

So instead, have the wacky-me icon and a big boldface frowny. :(

that bites, man.
mindways From: mindways Date: March 14th, 2003 06:37 am (UTC) (Direct Link)
Major kudos to you for being mature about the situation. I hope the dark thoughts and self-flagellation don't persist, and that you work through the grief in good ways & good time.

I would request one thing - please don't take it out on gizmoek.

No way - after many sort of breakups (this one included, it seems to me), both people need support - breaking up with someone brings its own sort of "I'm a terrible person" pain + unhappiness, often enough.

I hope that in the end we can all still be friends and she'll still be welcome in our little cabal.

"little"? :-)
7 STDOUT || STDIN