MegaZone (zonereyrie) wrote,
MegaZone
zonereyrie

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Life

Lately I've been having really strong "What's my purpose?" feelings again. A decade ago I dreamt about changing things, inventing something useful, 'making a difference'. I volunteered for things, ran mailing lists, poured my heart and soul into projects because they were 'the right thing to do' or because I thought it would be useful to other people or make a lot of people happy. Now I drag my ass to work and worry about paying off my unemployment debt, worry if I'll have the money to take a vacation and relax next summer. I'm finding it hard to be motivated at all to work on my responsibilities for Pacific Media Expo. I've dropped all of the other projects I used work on. Even projects I'd really like to see working, I can't find the drive to get started on. My biggest dream is hoping my pet project at work that I've been pushing for a long time finally gets the nod from management and I can do it. But even then I wonder if I really have the skills for it. See, the other feelings I'm having again are the "I'm totally faking my entire life and I'm not qualified for any of this" type. I'm just a drone bluffing my way through and so far I've been fairly lucky. But I feel like my luck has to run out at some point and then I'll be exposed as a fraud and sent off in shame. I'm a hamster in a wheel. Each day is pretty much like the last one. i'm just a little older and a little more dead.
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