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Life - MegaZone's Safety Valve — LiveJournal
The Ramblings of a Damaged Mind
Lately I've been having really strong "What's my purpose?" feelings again. A decade ago I dreamt about changing things, inventing something useful, 'making a difference'. I volunteered for things, ran mailing lists, poured my heart and soul into projects because they were 'the right thing to do' or because I thought it would be useful to other people or make a lot of people happy. Now I drag my ass to work and worry about paying off my unemployment debt, worry if I'll have the money to take a vacation and relax next summer. I'm finding it hard to be motivated at all to work on my responsibilities for Pacific Media Expo. I've dropped all of the other projects I used work on. Even projects I'd really like to see working, I can't find the drive to get started on. My biggest dream is hoping my pet project at work that I've been pushing for a long time finally gets the nod from management and I can do it. But even then I wonder if I really have the skills for it. See, the other feelings I'm having again are the "I'm totally faking my entire life and I'm not qualified for any of this" type. I'm just a drone bluffing my way through and so far I've been fairly lucky. But I feel like my luck has to run out at some point and then I'll be exposed as a fraud and sent off in shame. I'm a hamster in a wheel. Each day is pretty much like the last one. i'm just a little older and a little more dead.

I am: drained drained
Current Media: quiet

wednes From: wednes Date: November 9th, 2003 12:36 am (UTC) (Direct Link)

Is there an echo in here?

As you know, i have been going thru much the same thing as of late. So far it seems like one just has to suffer thru it. Lots of things can help: I enjoy a combination of therapy, drugs, and a strong social network of freinds to talk things over and ruminate with.

Plus i write. Nothing connected or well developed, just ramblings really. But honestly recording ones feelings, I find, can be a useful tool for self discovery and awareness. Re-reading that, it wounds like I may have had enough therapy already, but what the hell...

I try not to be too hard on myself, then berate myself for being too soft on myself, if that makes any sense. At least my cats are happy--I take credit for providing them with an environment in which they can thrive. Small victories and all that...
lizzielizzie From: lizzielizzie Date: November 9th, 2003 06:18 am (UTC) (Direct Link)
But even then I wonder if I really have the skills for it. See, the other feelings I'm having again are the "I'm totally faking my entire life and I'm not qualified for any of this" type.

Yeha, I feel that way myself. "She has no idea how to run a business, what is she thinking!" "She should get a real job already and stop all this fooling around with jewelry!" If I bought a bead store, I fear I'd run it in to the ground and be out of business within a year because I have *no*idea* what I am doing. Feh. It sucks. Then I go have a cookie or go for a walk and I forget about it. :-)

I second the other commentor's statements about therapy, drugs and a strong social network. All three have helped me greatly.
From: yamazakikun Date: November 9th, 2003 01:58 pm (UTC) (Direct Link)

Tower, Cessna Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, taxi to active with Charlie Foxtrot

I get those feelings sometimes, too. I'm trying to develop a test plan (my first) for an insanely complex J2EE mess that's without documentation of any kind, unless you count the almost maximally sparse Javadoc. Did I mention the most complex Java app I've ever done anything with was a 400-level problem set, that was over three years ago, and I've never touched Rose, RobotJ, or any of IBM's other fine products? My productivity seems to be abysmal; on the gripping hand, I do get good reviews, and my boss knew exactly what my Java skills were like when she hired me. So I guess I'm on track. Hopefully.
mesmericone From: mesmericone Date: November 12th, 2003 01:23 pm (UTC) (Direct Link)


I believe as people, we all go thru this. I feel that it is us "growing up" or Growing as a person. Drugs, talking & writing these feelings down does work wonders. It's hard and I am here for ya..