MegaZone (zonereyrie) wrote,

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'Tis the season...

The holidays always mess me up a bit - anxiety, depression, frustration, unfocused rage... I wish I could hibernate right through the end of the year from about late November. Go to sleep a little before Thanksgiving and wake up maybe in time for New Year's, maybe just after. Skip T-day, Xmas, and my birthday completely. No goddamned holiday songs in stores, restaurants, etc. No insipid ads (though TIVo has certainly improved my life in that regard - be-boop - ad skipped). No inane conversations about 'getting your shopping done', 'what are you doing for [holiday] this year', etc. No crowds at every shopping center when I just want to pop in to buy something I need. And I could definitely stand to not be bombarded with all of the lovey couples packing every public place reminding me that I'm alone.

Starting around Thanksgiving everything seems to remind me that I used to actually like the holiday season, but as I've aged I've turned jaded and bitter and everything only reminds me of things that are gone - like my Grandmother's wonderful Thanksgiving dinners, or, hell, my *Grandmother*. Christmas in my home with my family - the home long since sold. Hell, my parents have moved, moved again, and moved *again* since. It seems like each time I visit they're in a new place so I never feel 'home' when I visit them because it may as well be a strangers house since it *is* a strange house to me. No memories, heck, they moved from NY to FL, so the area doesn't even hold memories. And then my b'day - whee, another year older and nothing to really show for it. Each year pretty much like the last, they all blur together - work and sleep mainly. Oh, yeah, Derek's death anniversary is tomorrow. I completely understand why suicide rates spike around holidays.

This is why I personally stopped celebrating holidays several years ago. I might give something to a handful of friends, partly out of the social pressure to not be a scrooge and shackle someone else's buzz, but I don't even send cards to many people beyond my parents. And for any 'lesser' holidays, forget it completely. The only thing they're good for is time off work.
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