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The man in the mirror - MegaZone's Safety Valve
The Ramblings of a Damaged Mind
zonereyrie
zonereyrie
The man in the mirror
Oh, yeah, there is something else. My inner self, the way I perceive myself, is totally stuck at age 23. I'll be 33 in a couple of weeks but when I think of myself I think of the 23 year old me. Very precisely the image of myself in early 1994, say through the summer. When myraleemarshall and I were still together. I was heading off to Europe to finish my history degree. I was still 'deadheading' around to see Ani shows - and still doing random shit without a second thought. Like hopping a train from Paris to Bremen to see Ani in concert, then turning that 'overnight' trip into a 4-day jaunt to catch a second show and just see more of Germany. With one change of clothes and a toothbrush. That trip is one of the top ten best times in my life. Just taking off in my car for unplanned trips. Cranking out things and having fun doing it. Even from late that year, just before I turned 24, a bit - being 'the kid' at work. Full of energy and having to prove I knew my shit to engineers 10 or more years older than me. Energetic and eager to prove myself. Now I *am* the guy 10 years older than the young ones, but I still relate to them better than the people around my own age. I still think a bit more radically, still like to ask 'why' and 'why not' to shake things up. But as I get older I think that's becoming less welcome since that's expected from the kids, but not the 'senior' people. Heck, I even abuse myself because I treat myself like I did when I was 23 - and now when I pull all-nighters, or try to stay up for days on end, it really doesn't work as well as I did then. I need to find a way to get over it and just accept that that isn't me anymore. That even if the person in the mirror looks weird to me - that's me.

I am: detached
Current Media: noise

6 STDOUT || STDIN
Comments
mindways From: mindways Date: December 14th, 2003 09:23 am (UTC) (Direct Link)
Heck, I even abuse myself because I treat myself like I did when I was 23 - and now when I pull all-nighters, or try to stay up for days on end, it really doesn't work as well as I did then.

This is just gut instinct combined with a bit of personal experience...but I wouldn't be at all surprised if coming to grips with this one thing were to help with many of the other things you're missing about yourself - spontaneity, energy for and interest in writing/personal projects, time + desire to read + watch stories, etc.

In general: I'm sorry you're feeling down. Let me know if I can help.
solipsistnation From: solipsistnation Date: December 14th, 2003 12:35 pm (UTC) (Direct Link)

Um, give me a call some evening, and I'll bring over a bottle of wine and some beers or something, 'cause this sounds kind of familiar, and we can mope at one another or something.

lizzielizzie From: lizzielizzie Date: December 15th, 2003 07:19 am (UTC) (Direct Link)
Hamsters can't mope! Hamsters are cute.

(that is a hamster, right?)
solipsistnation From: solipsistnation Date: December 15th, 2003 09:55 am (UTC) (Direct Link)

It's a piggie!
lizzielizzie From: lizzielizzie Date: December 15th, 2003 07:21 am (UTC) (Direct Link)
I've had a hard time defining myself as "older" too. I still think I'll always be the youngest one in a crowd. And I'm not anymore! It's a mindset change that can be difficult.
arconius From: arconius Date: December 15th, 2003 09:36 am (UTC) (Direct Link)

feh...

If it's any consolation, you're not the only one approaching Level 33 (5.5 months out, myself), while still stuck at Level 23, and generally being irritated by holiday silliness.

I'm hoping they can do something about this whole getting old thing someday soon... preferably while I still have some hair on my head... *wl*

-RT
6 STDOUT || STDIN