MegaZone (zonereyrie) wrote,

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The man in the mirror

Oh, yeah, there is something else. My inner self, the way I perceive myself, is totally stuck at age 23. I'll be 33 in a couple of weeks but when I think of myself I think of the 23 year old me. Very precisely the image of myself in early 1994, say through the summer. When myraleemarshall and I were still together. I was heading off to Europe to finish my history degree. I was still 'deadheading' around to see Ani shows - and still doing random shit without a second thought. Like hopping a train from Paris to Bremen to see Ani in concert, then turning that 'overnight' trip into a 4-day jaunt to catch a second show and just see more of Germany. With one change of clothes and a toothbrush. That trip is one of the top ten best times in my life. Just taking off in my car for unplanned trips. Cranking out things and having fun doing it. Even from late that year, just before I turned 24, a bit - being 'the kid' at work. Full of energy and having to prove I knew my shit to engineers 10 or more years older than me. Energetic and eager to prove myself. Now I *am* the guy 10 years older than the young ones, but I still relate to them better than the people around my own age. I still think a bit more radically, still like to ask 'why' and 'why not' to shake things up. But as I get older I think that's becoming less welcome since that's expected from the kids, but not the 'senior' people. Heck, I even abuse myself because I treat myself like I did when I was 23 - and now when I pull all-nighters, or try to stay up for days on end, it really doesn't work as well as I did then. I need to find a way to get over it and just accept that that isn't me anymore. That even if the person in the mirror looks weird to me - that's me.
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