March 13th, 2003


Being non-cryptic - I got kicked to the curb

Ok, my comment from last night was a bit cryptic and started a bit of "What's up?" going around. Also, some cascade effects have happened that I want to try to stop. So, being non-cryptic:

Last night gizmoek told me that she thinks she has feelings for a friend of mine, another member of our social circle, and she's confused. She doesn't know what she wants yet, but it seems pretty certain that it isn't me as her SO. I saw this coming - she and he hit it off, they have a lot in common, they both chat on IRC a lot (and I can't while working, etc), and besides - he's in a lot better shape than I am and is better looking. So hey, I'm not stupid.

She and I talked about it last night, and yes, I'm not a happy camper. But I'm a realist and I at least attempt to be mature about things. I do love her, and I want her to be happy. I'm not going to act like her last SO. I can't make her want to stay with me, and it'd be insulting to try. If she can be happy with him, then she should be with him. (She's not poly, which is why that isn't an option.) I accept that logically, and in time I'll cope emotionally. At the moment I feel like shit, and I'm tempted to drink until I don't care - which is why I'm not getting near booze. I'm not a good drunk when I'm like this - I wonder about things like "What does the inside of my chest caviry look like?" Drinking alone tonight seems like a bad plan.

Ok, that's a tangent - my brain is also a little scattered since I didn't really sleep much, or well, last night either. I've been totally stressed out with a low-grade headache since last night.

ANYWAY, the point is - it looks like we're no longer a couple. I'm hoping that we can remain friends.

I do appreciate the support and (virtual) hugs I've been receiving from my friends today. I need them, and I really appreciate it.

I would request one thing - please don't take it out on gizmoek. I care about her and seeing her hurt hurts me. Especially since, in this case, I feel like the cause. It means a lot to me that my friends care about me, and that someone gives a damn when I hurt - but please, don't turn that into blame or anger directed at her. She's been very open and honest with me and I don't want to blame anyone. These things happen, and we have to deal with them. But the last thing I want to see on top of this is a division between my friends. I hope that in the end we can all still be friends and she'll still be welcome in our little cabal.

I'm giving her some space to sort things out, that's all I can really do.
  • Current Music
    my own dark thoughts
Zoner en fuego!

Come, join me at Tortilla Sam's

Ok, it is 21:49, I've been sitting in the office all night playing around online, trying hard to distract myself from life. Which is easier in my office with my dual-head Linux box AND my XP laptop in front of me, than it is at home on my old craptop. And since everyone else has gone home I cranked up some Matthew Sweet, it seemed to fit my mood.

But now I must leave, because I HUNGER! I called T.Sam's in Worcester, and they close at midnight. Since it'll take me ~20 minutes to get there, that's plenty of time. So if you're local and you're hungry, feel free to drop by and join me. Not that I expect anyone too, but just in case.

It looks like Sunday I might be joining ninjarat on a trip to Bangor to see z_gryphon. It will mean missing the Worcester Gweep Sunday Dinner, which I was kind of looking forward to after this week, but I haven't seen ZG in a LONG time. Plus I have a shitload of Zatoichi and G Gundam tapes to convey to him. And I could deliver my Connections DVDs in person, and not have to worry about them in the mail.

It will mean getting up EARLY, like on the road by 9AM. Which is hours before I normally awake on weekends. But maybe getting out of town for a day will be good for me.

ok, it is now 21:56 - I'll be leaving tor T.Sams in a few minutes, I figure I should be there by 22:30. Maybe I'll see someone there... it'd be nice.
  • Current Music
    ghastly silence