June 7th, 2003

Zoner en fuego!

Yeah, I'm still up...

So after I finished up working last night I got into personal email - to find two of the lists I'm on had exploded, the AX Staff list and the AnimeCons list. And it was stuff I was interested/involved in, so I spent a while replying to a lot of stuff. Plus that was my chance to catch up on the day's LJ posts, which was quite a few. I'd been feeling kind of 'off' mentally/emotionally since the afternoon, and I think the con politics aggravated that a bit.

I decided to catch 2 Fast, 2 Furious at 00:40. I probably shouldn't have bothered, it isn't a very good movie. I didn't expect it to be great, I figured it'd be nice eye candy with some good car chases, races, etc. It was mediocre eye candy, and I found many of the car scenes, well, *dull*. Plus there was a lack of a suspension of disbelief for me - people get committing MAJOR moving violations, being caught, but then they'd be around later in the film and I'm like "Why aren't they in jail?" And the stupid car tazers, ugh... Yes, I know about the real-world systems that use similar principles - they're still in R&D and they're not so, well, stupid. The 'tension' they tried to create with them in one scene just made me wish the damn scene would end.

You know, fuck it, the movie just plain sucked. The car scenes were uninspiring, the characters were unlikable, the expected sex scenes never happened - the whole movie is just a tease that never delivers. Don't go see it. Don't bother renting it.

Anyway, I took the long way home because I was still feeling off and I thought driving would help. Well, while cruising around I was overwhelmed by several feelings:
- I very, very badly didn't want to be alone. I wanted there to be someone with me, someone to talk to, someone just to be there as a presence. But it was 3AM, I live alone, and I didn't think anyone I knew would be about. And this wasn't something that could be handled by IRC, IM, or even the phone. It wasn't just to chat with someone, but to be with someone *in person* - real human contact.
- I really wanted feminine companionship. No, I don't mean I was horny, and this was a distinct feeling from the first. I just wanted a woman (SO, friend) to hug and hold. Odd, it isn't the kind of thing I normally get struck with that strongly.
- I felt, well, lost I suppose. Don't know what I really want overall, don't know where I'm going in life.
- I had a kind of flashback to my days at WPI, when I'd drive around Worcester in the middle of the night to think. I was struck with a longing to go back to the way things were then, when almost everyone who was important in my life were concentrated in one area. When I was surrounded by my friends, pretty much literally, and there was always someone around at nearly any hour of the day or night.

It left me feeling very scrambled and melancholy, and that's lingered. I didn't feel like going to bed, so I've just stayed up, but my batteries are dead now and I'm physically exhausted and crashing.

I might go to the housewarming tonight, but I'm not sure what to bring - I'm terrible on social things like that.
  • Current Music
    TiVo: Airport
Zoner en fuego!

Still off-kilter

After collapsing into bed this morning I figured I'd sleep until mid-afternoon. No such luck - I woke up around noon, after less than five hours of sleep, and then I was up for a while. It didn't help that my neighbors were working on a car, and apparently fixing the *horn* at some point. I passed out again at some point, not sure really. But then I didn't wake up again until well into the evening. I think I finally got out of bed again close to 20:00.

I didn't make it to the housewarming. It started at 6, and it is probably 30 minutes away, so I would've been wicked late. Part of me is still thinking of going, since, going by history, the party is probably still going and will be for a while. But I don't know, I still feel scrambled. I'm not sure how I'd do - I'm also worried that I might be clingy and end up just crowding jehanna, etc. I don't know, I'm having trouble sorting out my thoughts and emotions - I want to be with others, and I want to be a hermit.

But I do know I last ate about 22 hours ago, so I should seek dinner. Maybe I'll catch The Italian Job - there are shows left at 00:15 and 00:45...

I apologize for not being at the party.
  • Current Music
    TiVo: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles