December 14th, 2003

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Meme stolen from mesmericone

I know very little about some of the people on my friends list. So take this opportunity to tell me a little something about yourself. Any old thing at all.

Then post this in your own journal.
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Memes from elfs

You represent... hope.
You represent... hope.
You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless
romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't
mind being alone at times. You have goals, and
know what you want in life... even if they are
a little far fetched.


What feeling do you represent?
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Black
You are Black.

Boasting of Power and mystery, you make for an
interesting person. But careful, you may scare
off any potential freinds with your short fuse.


What Color Best Represents Your Personality?
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Boy, that was cheery

I was already feeling kind of down tonight, so then I go and watch A.I. - which I'd TiVo'd off HBO recently. Boy, what an upbeat 2.5 hours that is. I must add that to my The Plague Dogs, Grave of the Fireflies and When The Wind Blows "Films to off yourself to" marathon list.
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    TiVo: A.I.
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'Tis the season...

The holidays always mess me up a bit - anxiety, depression, frustration, unfocused rage... I wish I could hibernate right through the end of the year from about late November. Go to sleep a little before Thanksgiving and wake up maybe in time for New Year's, maybe just after. Skip T-day, Xmas, and my birthday completely. No goddamned holiday songs in stores, restaurants, etc. No insipid ads (though TIVo has certainly improved my life in that regard - be-boop - ad skipped). No inane conversations about 'getting your shopping done', 'what are you doing for [holiday] this year', etc. No crowds at every shopping center when I just want to pop in to buy something I need. And I could definitely stand to not be bombarded with all of the lovey couples packing every public place reminding me that I'm alone.

Starting around Thanksgiving everything seems to remind me that I used to actually like the holiday season, but as I've aged I've turned jaded and bitter and everything only reminds me of things that are gone - like my Grandmother's wonderful Thanksgiving dinners, or, hell, my *Grandmother*. Christmas in my home with my family - the home long since sold. Hell, my parents have moved, moved again, and moved *again* since. It seems like each time I visit they're in a new place so I never feel 'home' when I visit them because it may as well be a strangers house since it *is* a strange house to me. No memories, heck, they moved from NY to FL, so the area doesn't even hold memories. And then my b'day - whee, another year older and nothing to really show for it. Each year pretty much like the last, they all blur together - work and sleep mainly. Oh, yeah, Derek's death anniversary is tomorrow. I completely understand why suicide rates spike around holidays.

This is why I personally stopped celebrating holidays several years ago. I might give something to a handful of friends, partly out of the social pressure to not be a scrooge and shackle someone else's buzz, but I don't even send cards to many people beyond my parents. And for any 'lesser' holidays, forget it completely. The only thing they're good for is time off work.
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Get back to where I once belonged...

You know, sometimes I feel like my life peaked around 1994-1995, and since then it hasn't been worth it. I still had a fair bit of optimism but had lost most the naivety, I wasn't yet as cynical about the world or people. I still believed very much in love, even though it hadn't worked out for myraleemarshall and I. I still thought I would really make a difference in some way. I was still a bit naive, because I was looking forward to life and thought it'd be something of an adventure. I was surrounded by a solid group of friends, which hadn't started to fragment. I had some kind of spark - there was something there. I was more creative, I had more energy, I was more spontaneous... Now... eh... I feel boring and dull. I seem to have completely lost my mojo for being creative, I haven't written anything in months and can't seem to find the energy nor the inspiration. The impulse to do random things doesn't strike me anymore. Almost nothing really excites me, and most of the things that I used to be into don't hold my interest. I have stacks of unread books that I feel like I should want to read, but never seem to pick up. Or I'll pick them up, flip the pages listlessly,and put them back down. Shelves of videos I never bother to watch. When I make myself go out, like going to Ralph's last Friday, I end up just going home after a couple of hours since I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like an outsider everywhere. I can't say that I'm unhappy, I don't think I am. But I'm really not sure what is means to be happy or unhappy. There are moments when I think I'm happy, but they're just moments. It seems like all the good stories, all the really fun times, took place 10 years ago. Very little since then seems noteworthy. Everything is a kind of uniform grey - days, weeks, months, all run together. It is funny how some things trigger memories. Especially music. Tonight I was listening to Tori Amos's 'Tales of a Librarian' in the car as I drove home. A number of the songs are from Little Earthquakes, which came out in 1992. I started listening it to it probably sometime in 1993 and it was, and is, one of my favorite albums. But hearing the songs again this time brought back a flood of old memories - but even though they were good memories it made me cry, because of the contrast to life now. It left me feeling fairly miserable. Is this all there is for, most likely, the next few decades? If so, why the hell should I care about anything? The world just keeps spiraling down the drain anyway. Maybe it is just the holidays already having me on edge... I don't know. Why should I be any different from any other cog? Maybe I just need my daily soma.
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The man in the mirror

Oh, yeah, there is something else. My inner self, the way I perceive myself, is totally stuck at age 23. I'll be 33 in a couple of weeks but when I think of myself I think of the 23 year old me. Very precisely the image of myself in early 1994, say through the summer. When myraleemarshall and I were still together. I was heading off to Europe to finish my history degree. I was still 'deadheading' around to see Ani shows - and still doing random shit without a second thought. Like hopping a train from Paris to Bremen to see Ani in concert, then turning that 'overnight' trip into a 4-day jaunt to catch a second show and just see more of Germany. With one change of clothes and a toothbrush. That trip is one of the top ten best times in my life. Just taking off in my car for unplanned trips. Cranking out things and having fun doing it. Even from late that year, just before I turned 24, a bit - being 'the kid' at work. Full of energy and having to prove I knew my shit to engineers 10 or more years older than me. Energetic and eager to prove myself. Now I *am* the guy 10 years older than the young ones, but I still relate to them better than the people around my own age. I still think a bit more radically, still like to ask 'why' and 'why not' to shake things up. But as I get older I think that's becoming less welcome since that's expected from the kids, but not the 'senior' people. Heck, I even abuse myself because I treat myself like I did when I was 23 - and now when I pull all-nighters, or try to stay up for days on end, it really doesn't work as well as I did then. I need to find a way to get over it and just accept that that isn't me anymore. That even if the person in the mirror looks weird to me - that's me.
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