MegaZone (zonereyrie) wrote,

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I just want to post an open apology to anyone who thinks I'm blowing them off or something. I'm not. It has become clear to me that I'm in the midst of a strong bout of depression and with everything that's been happening with work and all my head is *full*. I've basically gotten into a space where I'm having trouble focusing on things and I've been unable to unwind or relax since Sunday evening when I got home. I haven't slept much the past couple of nights, and I've had a headache since Monday morning - tension I think, the muscles in my neck are taunt. In the past two days we had two major meetings which were kind of tense, and I've had two very long conversations with my boss and one with the VP of engineering (boss's boss), plus many conversations with co-workers. Morale is shattered and motivation is lacking. I've got a lot of heavy thinking to do and that's why my head is full. When that happens my natural instinct is to go incommunicado because external I/O is superfluous noise into the system that just adds more chaos - and I'm trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings, not make them more confused.

"But I see you still posting to USENet and/or LJ!" Yes, that's true. I don't know exactly why but doing that kind of thing seems to use some *other* part of my brain. Surfing USENet is almost meditative for me after doing it for 14+ years. While part of my brain is scanning text most of my brain is running a background job sorting things out. I don't have to really think about things very much. But corresponding with someone seems to use some other circuit - I put more thought and care into email to friends, etc, and that focus seems to involve the same circuits that are already overloaded with other Big Thoughts. So while I can dash off an answer to someone asking how to upgrade their TiVo without giving it a second thought I have trouble getting personal when I'm like this. I've wanted to write some things down but I'm having problems with even doing that right now.

I'll be fine, really. I've just been given a huge amount of data and emotion to process in the past two days and my batch hopper is full at the moment. I'll eventually sort things out, churn through it, and come to some kind of conclusion and I'll be 'better' again. This isn't the first time, as I'm sure those who've known me for a while are aware. i may end up taking some time off - my boss suggested it today since I'm obviously not focused on work and my productivity for the past week has been fairly poor. And he's right, it has been, and that bothers me too. If nothing else I'm off to see my folks in Florida 2/7-2/15. I turned off comments on this since it isn't a call for sympathy or anything, just an explanation. I hope to me back to myself soon.
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