From: zonereyrie	Date: March 26th, 2005 11:19 pm (UTC)		(Direct Link)

All of the above really - well, the latter probably makes me more horny than happy. ;-) (Which could lead to frustration, being single... ;-) )

I don't see my folks much since they moved to Florida. The last time I came down and saw them was last February. I saw them late last year when they were up in NY - we met up in Western MA for dinner. So it was only for a few hours. My day just turned 62 on the 19th, my mom turns 60 on April 4th. I'm becoming aware of the fact that I may not see them many more times. If it is once a year - I don't want to think about that right now, I'm sitting here at the counter watching my mom make dinner and my dad is behind me watching TV and just thinking about that makes me start to cry...

Getting away from the stress makes me feel really good. My life feels like a grind - same shit, different day. I'm always sleep deprived, I'm always behind on things I need to do, I never have enough of a break to really relax, so it just builds up. I know that's part of why I have high blood pressure, and why I always feel tired, and why I get sick, etc. It just wears you down. I really wish I was here for another week. It took me a few days to stop thinking about work - the first few days here I just kept thinking about work, my taxes, things I still need to do, etc. Takes me a few days to really purge that out of my mind and just relax and enjoy.

I keep forgetting how to focus on 'now' and enjoy things - I get too easily caught up in what has to be done 'then', and I'm always juggling a dozen things in my head. It is helpful for working, but it is had for me to shut it down. I find that when I'm in a relationship it is easier, because it is natural for me to think about my partner and being happy. But when I'm single my brain tends to fill up with work.

I know what happens - I forget what it feels like to be happy. Really - when I'm happy I'm like "Hey, I'm happy, this is great!" But after a while I get swamped and I just feel grey most of the time, and I can't remember what it was like to be happy. I remember that I *was*, and that it was nice - but I can't hold onto that feeling, and that just makes it worse.